Allegedly, America's Got Talent

Is there anything more wonderful than watching four confused, talentless people judge rodeo roping, beat boxing, magic, and singing acts? If there is, I haven't thought of it yet. I was forced to watch this NBC masterpiece every Tuesday and for weeks I was tortured. Then I realized what a good thing I had going, and it became my guilty pleasure.

If you're unfamiliar with the format of the show, let me bring you up to speed. Jerry Springer is the emcee. Right there, you've got the blueprint for a fantastic television program. I never caught Jerry's talkshow, but now I'm embarassed to have missed out on one of America's best entertainers. I'm not sure why I'm so drawn to him. It is indisputable that despite the show's title he has no talent whatsoever. Each night there are ten acts and he interviews each one after they've performed. Invariably, his question is some variation on, "So . . . what's going through your mind right now?" He doesn't even try to disguise the fact that he only has one question. His alternate questions range from, "So . . . what's going on in your heart right now?" to "So . . . how do you feel right now." This last week, one of the producers almost ruined the show by trying to get him to ask different questions, but, luckily, Jerry was so incoherent asking them, he went back to, "You're here, in front of all these people, and the judges say what they just said. So . . . how does that make you feel." Phew. Dude, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Next, we turn to judges Sharon Osbourne and Piers Morgan. Sharon appears to have gotten fed up with her braindead rock star husband and decided to sexually harass young men on national television. Every contestant under 50 who does not have a marked beer belly gets a suggestive comment from Sharon that is something like, "You can do magic for me anytime." Classic. Does anything say family television programming like old women asking to squeeze contestants' "tushies?" The answer is no.

According to America's website, Piers used to be the editor of the London Daily Mirror. Which is a good thing, because there are loads of journalistic acts on the show and what would we do without a former newspaper editor to judge them? Piers' niche on the show is disliking EVERYTHING. Each of the "judges" on the show has a buzzer that they can use to show their disapproval for an act during the performance. In past episodes, Piers has used his buzzer and explained, "I wanted to see how you would react." Piers also feels a dreadful amount of responsibility for giving away $1 million dollars through the show and takes it upon himself to screen out the unworthy.

"The show can't be too bad," you're thinking about now. "I might even tune in to see what it's all about." Stop thinking that right now. You might tune in? That's not good enough. You have to watch this show because I haven't even gotten to the best part of the show: The Hoff.



David Hasslehoff likes to be referred to as "The Hoff" these days. He is the third judge on America's, but he is the show's true genius. You might be wondering, "Didn't David - I mean, The Hoff - have a show about a robotic car in the 80's and didn't he peak on a 90's show about lifeguards running around a beach?" True. But did you also know that The Hoff is one of the BIGGEST music stars in Germany? With credentials like that, you've got to give it to him. He is qualified to judge the talent of would-be American stars. Sadly, The Hoff can't be bothered to pay attention to the acts' performances. His commentary on each act is always something generic that could have been applied to any act that has ever performed since the dawn of entertainment. For example, he frequently says something to the effect of "You said you were going to step it up, and YOU DID. That was AWESOME. You are what this show is all about." Thanks The Hoff. When he bothers to say something that is specific to the person performing, it comes out even more mangled. During the last episode a dude who earned a living by playing the guitar and singing on a cruise ship performed a country song. The Hoff's commentary was, "You . . . work on a cruise ship. And you just sang." Thanks The Hoff. We were a little confused about that, but we appreciate that clarification. The Hoff is at least a 23 on the unintentional comedy scale. Truly epic.

And that is why you HAVE to watch America's Got Talent. The Hoff, Jerry, Sharon, and Piers are like the fantastic four of family entertainment. They are the perfect team because their entertainment powers are perfectly complimentary. Piers has super sarcasm. Sharon has super sexual frustration. Jerry is exceptionally confused. And The Hoff, well, he's The Hoff.

Sadly, words can only convey a small part of this cultural masterpiece. You have to watch it to truly appreciate it. So tune in, Tuesdays 8/7 central on NBC.